Heart's Desire
by HaliaStar
Summary: You know that when i hate you, it's because i love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul. to bad i couldnt believe him when he said that. HD slash you have been warned.
1. Prolouge

"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."  
_-Unknown_

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AuthorsNote: i know this is short but it's only the prolouge so the next couple of chapters should be longer hopefully.


	2. The Start

**Disclaimer: i dont own harry potter know matter how much i love it that right belongs to the one and only j.k rowling. i also dont own the songs, or quotes used.**

**AN: this is a slash of the male kind, so dont like dont read. for those of you who do like please leave a comment even to say i suck at least then i know what to work on**

**now on with the story...

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Harry's PoV

_A journey through my mind  
Beyond the wheel of time  
To the darkness 'hind my eyes  
All those years in vain I fled  
My fate I tried to escape  
Lost my cause from the start  
Falling freely  
On wings of will  
My fate was sealed from the start_

_-Chosen One_

I'm lying in my bed imagining what it would be like to actually sleep as the numbers on the clock change over to show that it is now 4:30am, I know I've got bags under my eyes if not from my cousins frequent remarks about why I'm starting to resemble a panda bear – I was more surprised by the fact that he knew what a panda was than by him even noticing that was something wrong - then by the times that I do see my reflection through a window or reflected on the TV. I've started avoiding mirrors why put myself through more needless torture of seeing that I have in fact become a lifeless creature of the night, figuratively of course how would that look to the rest of the wizarding world if their saviour joined the ranks of the living dead? I doubt they'd it would worry them much, as long as I kill Voldemort then who cares what I am. Who am I? God how I wish I knew the answer to that then I could tell the whole world to just fuck off and leave _me_ alone. Instead here I am stuck in a house where I'm considered worse than the plague, in fact sometimes the look in my uncles eyes just screams 'drop dead and do us all a favour,' at those times I can feel my blood boil to a point where I have to leave the room, the consequences of what I'd do if I stayed are to horrifying to even fathom. Sometimes I can visualize what I'd do to them; I'd make them bleed, have them begging for mercy while slowly the life flows out of them one by one till all that's left is their empty bodies unable to move or speak, mine to do with what ever I want. I can never see beyond that point though it's like my mind wont allow my to witness how awful it could get, how awful I could get. I've given up trying to understand this particular disgusting fantasy, it's not as if I'd ever go through with it, I'm not evil or vengeful. In fact killing has no appeal to me what so ever, which just makes it that more odd that I am in fact the Chosen One destined to kill the most feared wizard whose notorious plans to live for ever involves killing thousands of innocent people and leaving behind a wake of hopelessness and revulsion. I can't do anything about it either my life was signed away before I could talk and utter my protests at being used by fate, better know as Albus Dumbledore, as a pawn in some sick twisted game where either I get blown up or blow up this manifestation of evil.

I can hear the rest of the world waking up outside, which is my cue to get up and prepare a breakfast that I don't get to eat before going out to work in a garden that's already pruned and cleaned out. My life reminds me of the fairy-tale Cinderella, except I doubt that at the end of my story there'll be a happy ending with me marrying my Prince Charming and living in a castle faraway from everyone else. Because this is real life and as the saying goes 'life's a bitch.' Throwing off the blankets and putting on my glasses I take a look around my "bedroom" - the place is a mess with things lying on every available surface – before throwing on the nearest t-shirt and jeans. Running a quick hand through my hair making it stick out even more, I head downstairs to the pit of hell as I like to think of it.

**Draco's PoV**

_  
I'm in a daze, staring off into space.  
Too much lurks in my mind.  
The tears build up,  
But I hold them in. _

_In fear that someone will sense my unhappiness, _

_And they will disapprove.  
Sympathy, I can live without.  
I live my life in the future.  
My peace of mind comes when I sleep.  
-My Artificial Happiness_

School was less than a week away yet it felt like years, leaving the Manor could not come soon enough I was sick of being here in this draughty house with only house elves for company, and they were so scared of me that conversations were one sided and ran out quickly. Where were my parents you might ask, well father as luck would have it was still locked up, meaning I was safe from him for awhile, mother has never been home and now with father gone she can spend more time away doing what ever the hell she does, To her I'm an accessory needed on special occasions, when not needed I'm flung to the side to fend for myself. Families are illusions if you look closely enough the reality seeps through tainting that beautiful image you created that's why as purebloods we never let anyone close enough to see this. In the days before Hogwarts before 5th year I would have said this system was flawless, you hid behind a mask of icy cold indifference and sneered down at anyone who dared to breach this by showing emotion, now I know better. I've never know love never know compassion or true friendship they were things that held you back made you human, and god help me if I should ever be more human. The only benefit I can think of is that I can never get hurt, at least not emotionally but emotions are for the weak minded and soft hearted not a Malfoy.

"Draco, come down here now!" That voice low and cruel it couldn't be him.

"Draco, I'm not asking again get down here NOW!"

"I'm coming Father."

Walking down the stairs I see him standing at the bottom of the stairs regal and cold, while the house elves shuffled around him taking his coat getting him a drink, he'd only been in the house for a couple of minutes and already the fear was tangible in the air.

All three of us were seated in the study father sitting in the winged armchair, mother standing next to him and me sitting across from both of them on a chair that can only be described as painfully uncomfortable in areas. It had been a few hours since _he'd_ come home and I knew this was going to be one of _those _conversations where everything's bound to end really badly.

"Draco this is your last year at Hogwarts, as you've heard by now the Dark Lord is back this means that when the time comes you will be joining him along with your fellow Slytherins." I knew this was going to come up eventually, with most of my family on Voldemorts side it was only natural that I joined as well.

"I'm not going to join him, not now not ever."

"You will be joining him this is not open to discussion. Understood?" He was getting up and reaching for his wand I knew what was coming next, no matter how I answered his question so I might as well be honest.

"Yes I understand, but that still doesn't mean I'm going to listen to what you're saying."

"You will obey me eventually, for now a little reminder as to who runs this house, CRUCIO!" The pain was unbearable it felt like my whole body was on fire that I was being ripped limb from limb, I could hear myself screaming. My last clear thought is this; dreams can never last you always wake up sooner or later, and when you do it's like no pain you've ever felt before. Then I pass out.


	3. Strange Dream

**A/N finally ive updated, this chapter is'nt as good as the original was but it's still ok. i can now get on with this story now that all of my other commitments are see to. please reveiw so i know if i should carry on or not any feed back is good feedback:D.**

**Well anyway here is chapter 2 after a lengthy wait :(**

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Harry's PoV

_Love__ is when you're kept up all night thinking of him, and then when you fall asleep, you find him in your dreams._

The sorting ceremony was boring as usual, tiny little first years scared out of their minds being sorted into houses that most have only heard about.

Starting the feast was just like every other year; Dumbledore stands up delivers his speech and then everyone grabs what ever food is within reaching distance. The whole thing disgusted me. The only people who weren't grabbing for their food like savages were the Slytherins which irritated me even more, how could I find something in common with such pretentious people?

"Harry mate aren't you hungry?"

"Ron! Will you please not talk with your mouth full, it's disgusting! But he does have a point Harry you must be hungry, I know I'm starved and I ate on the train."

"Mione will you shut up and let him answer. Harry…?"

"Sure I'm just deciding what I want that's all."

Flashing them a smile and grabbing a plate of potatoes at the same time I can see that my answer satisfied them. How easy it is to please people who pretend to care. Once they would have noticed something was wrong and pestered me till I gave in and told them, but now ever since they got together it's like they don't even notice me. Even our previous conversation is proof to that; I was mentioned in passing, the argument was between those two. It's not as if I want to be the centre of attention, despite what some people think, I loath it. After being ignored the whole summer I just want someone to talk to, and back in the old days before there was them 'couple' and me 'third wheel' we talked about everything now it's like I only exist in the utmost extremities.

"Harry you done? We're heading up to the common room you coming?"

Translation; _we want some privacy and couldn't just leave you here._

"Yea I'm feeling tired myself, I think I will head off to bed actually. Come on lets go."

The relief on their faces was noticeable, they managed to solve two problems in one go; _how to bring me along and how to get rid of me so that we can snog. _I'm not a good friend for not seeing to their needs.

Reaching the tower I head off to my room, their pitiful excuses of wanting to stay up for a bit longer and not being tired still ringing in my head. God sometimes I wish they were more creative with their excuses, or at least honest with me, it would make things so much easier. Then again when has my life ever been straightforward? I doubt its going to start getting easier now, that would be asking too much.

It was ten past two in the morning and the reason I was awake after finally being able to fall asleep is that I had what one can only be described as a nightmare, because it was about Draco friggen Malfoy, and we were not fighting.

_Dream Scene _

_It was cold out every time I breathed out a small cloud of vapour formed in front of my face. I kept walking unable to stop for fear of freezing in that position – as stupid as it sounds – my legs were starting to cramp and my head was getting dizzy from the frostiness I needed to find somewhere to stop and soon. Finally after what felt like years I come across what appears to be an abandoned house that looks like it was once owned by someone of great importance or at least someone rich? Entering the building I instantly notice how warm it is inside and can't help but gasp and the sudden change in temperature._

"_Who's there?" _

_The voice sounds irritated and nervous, like someone trying to be brave but failing. _

"_Umm sorry I thought this place was empty."_

"_Does that give you the right to just walk in here?" _

_I still hadn't seen the person who was talking, but they did sound familiar._

"_Can you please show yourself so I know who I'm talking to?" _

_Laughing he steps out the shadows and my shock must have been noticeable because then he's leering at me. Pulling out his wand he points it towards me and utters a slow killing spell. The world is going blank my senses clambering over each other making my mind a buzz of sounds, smells, tastes and feeling._

"_Surprised Potter?"_

"_Not as much as you'd like me to be _Snape_."_

_I'm falling further and further down. Everything around me is spinning in a rainbow of colour, making me sick and dizzy. I wish it would stop, I wish I would stop._

"_Aren't you gorgeous? Like a creature from Heaven or somewhere equally magnificent." The words were dancing around my mind so beautiful as if they were uttered from an angel. I was in love with this voice; all I needed now was to see their face and I would be beyond happy._

"_Wake up my darling. You're fine nothing can hurt as long as I'm here." _

_My angel's lips __are kissing me gently like a lover. Their hands caressing my face, my neck, my chest. Their touch as light as feathers. Still I can't open my eyes to see their face._

"_Do you like that? Hmm, can see that you do, I better carry on then."_

"_Who are you?" _

"_You know who I am. I am your one true love." My eyes shoot open, and in that instant between consciousness and sleep I know. I know that my secret lover is none other that Draco Malfoy. _

Trying to fall asleep again is simply impossible. How is that the one night I actually get some sleep I have to have a dream about him? The dream has no meaning, it was just a dream besides it might have been someone else and I just thought it was Malfoy. All I really saw was the blonde hair, and there are quite a few people with blonde hair.

_Then why did you first think of Malfoy?_ It's irrelevant, I just thought of him because it's a new day and I'm worried about he's going to do to hassle me this year.

_Still it is rather worrying that he's your first thought in the morning. _I find it more worrying that I'm talking to myself.

_And that it makes sense._It doesn't! When I get up none of this is going to mean anything or make any sense I'm just going to go to class, look happy and try to enjoy the company of my friends.

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**Till next chapter**


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